We must support our 2.65 million unpaid carers
hello • 19 October 2020
Every week in Australia, unpaid carers spend 36 million hours caring for family and friends who have a disability, mental illness, chronic condition, terminal illness or who are frail.
To understand what it’s like to be a carer and what we can do to support the carers in our world we chatted with R U OK? Ambassador Tess Nobile.
Tess moved from Canberra to Melbourne earlier this year to care full time for her Mum.
“My mum was rushed to hospital in March for severe pneumonia and other complications, so I've had to come down and be a full-time carer while continuing to work full time. It’s been a massive adjustment for both mum and I” Tess said, who’s also wearing a few other hats.
“I had to learn pretty fast and it was a bit of a balancing act as we tried to find our rhythm. It’s important for carers to find a rhythm that works for you as you come to terms with the changes that are happening for not only the human you’re caring for, but the human wearing the carer hat.”
Tess believes the support of her tribe has been key to helping her find that balance and rhythm.
“It’s been an interesting year navigating COVID-19 and learning how to be a carer for someone who is grieving their loss of mobility and facing a number of mental health and physical issues. There’s the physical care I provide, and then there’s the emotional care also. I witness daily the realisation that mum is no longer who she was, and to be able to comfort her through that painful awareness and just hold space for her is where the extra energy is required.” Some days I’m better at doing that than others.
“Having the support of friends, family and other carers is so important. We’ve been in lockdown since the beginning of the year, so I’ve had to get a bit creative in the ways I stay connected to my tribe. Knowing I can unload and get support when I need to recharge quickly has been important.”
R U OK? provides conversation tips and resources that can help talk to carers about the challenges they’re navigating. But alongside friends and family, the support of other carers who understand what you’re going through and can share the ups and downs can make a difference, as it has for Tess.
“I’ve got a friend, Anna, whose father is in palliative care. We’ve been able to share the ups and downs and the roller-coaster of emotions that comes with looking after a parent who you love. She gets the challenges I can face in a day and reminds me that taking a break doesn’t mean I’m a bad daughter, and sometimes we just find a space to cry together.”
Tess wants every carer to know they are not alone.
“I had underestimated how hard it is to be a carer. My message is to reach out to someone who is a carer, just to let them know you’re thinking of them. I know sometimes I don’t want people to think I’m not handing it well or that I’m complaining so it feels special when my friends reach out to me. The one percenters matter.”
Her message to other carers is to make time for yourself.
“There are good and bad days when you’re caring for someone. It’s important as a carer to take some time every day for yourself. I’ve had to put a strategy in place - my weekly self-care plan – and I try to do one thing every day that brings me joy and I do it without guilt. The guilt part is the hardest part, but I have come to learn that by taking care of myself I can take better care of my mother.”
If you or your loved one are feeling overwhelmed or need immediate support you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the services at www.ruok.org.au/findhelp
The recent incident in Sydney has left many feeling distressed and overwhelmed, and you may notice the children in your life are struggling too. Below, you’ll find advice from mental health experts on caring for your own wellbeing, and providing meaningful support to others in the days and weeks ahead. Talking to children about traumatic events Children are likely to have seen and heard distressing information about this incident. Ongoing news coverage, images and discussion can intensify feelings of anxiety, sadness and anger. The Child Mind Institute has published a practical guide to help parents and carers talk with children about traumatic events. The guide offers practical age-specific advice and has been developed by experts in child psychology, you can access this guide here . Events involving violence or serious harm can be especially difficult for children to understand or discuss. The guide focuses on helping children feel safe, supported and reassured, and encourages parents, carers or guardians to: Provide comfort and reassurance, including physical affection Remain calm and measured when discussing the event Maintain regular routines to restore a sense of normality Encourage play, connection and time with others Share honest, age-appropriate information from trusted sources Limit children’s exposure to news, especially younger children Listen patiently and validate children’s feelings Recognise that fear, anger, sadness or guilt are all normal reactions Looking after yourself, and supporting others Rachel Clements, R U OK? Advisor, and Director of Psychological Services at Centre for Corporate Health, said strong emotional reactions are normal and healthy for people of all ages following public acts of violence, even among those not directly impacted. “Some reactions that are incredibly normal are concern, shock, horror, disbelief. When that wears off sometimes, people experience stronger feelings, sometimes anger, despair, sadness, anxiety or fear-based behaviour." Ms Clements advised that connecting with friends, sporting clubs, or workplace networks, and simply asking ‘are you OK?’, can play a key role in supporting people experiencing distress. "This event will disrupt the nervous system. One of the most important things we can do is stay connected, talk to each other and lean into supportive conversations,” Ms Clements said. She suggested starting a genuine conversation by asking questions such as: 'it's been tough watching this information coming to light, how are you feeling about it?’ “Then, all you’ve got to do is listen with empathy, without judgment or interruption, and just allow someone to talk about their experience and how they are feeling. When it is the right time in the conversation, you can then gently guide someone towards supportive actions, like doing some gentle exercise, staying connected with friends and family, or maintaining regular routines.” Ms Clements emphasised the importance of checking in again to ensure people have continued support. If you notice someone’s distress is ongoing for several weeks and begins to affect their work or social life, professional help should be encouraged. If you or the children in your care are experiencing ongoing distress, consider speaking with a doctor or another trusted healthcare provider. Free and professional 24/7counselling services are available, find contact details here . If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000. Ask R U OK? Any Day.
This year, Australians continued to grow their confidence and capability to ask, 'are you OK?' any day of the year - reminding us how real connection and meaningful conversations can happen in the most ordinary, everyday moments. Across every age and stage of life, people helped normalise these important check-ins by looking out for one another, reducing stigma, and driving genuine change. Thanks to our supporters, awareness continues to expand in schools, workplaces, sporting clubs, and communities in every corner of Australia. Thank you to everyone who started conversations, and to everyone who supported the mission and work of R U OK?. Below is a short video which shares a glimpse of the activity made possible through collaboration. *Voice-over by former-CEO, Katherine Newton.
From growing up on farms to a shared interest in history, Australians, young and old, are discovering just how much they have in common, and how storytelling can connect generations in unexpected ways. What’s bringing them together is 'Heart and Soul Story', a social enterprise that fosters intergenerational connections. Through its programs, young people and older generations come together in aged care homes and schools to share stories, build life skills, and prevent loneliness. At a recent session which encouraged everyone to Ask R U OK? Any Day, students visited an aged-care community with R U OK? Conversation Bingo cards, which feature prompts to spark humour, curiosity, and connection.
