Tips for managing emotional reactions during an R U OK? conversation

hello • 20 August 2020

From time to time, we can face strong reactions during an R U OK? conversation. When facing these reactions, we may feel uncomfortable, guilty or anxious. It’s OK to experience these emotions but by being prepared and knowing what to say, we can minimise awkwardness and reduce the pressure in these situations.

How can I prepare myself for a strong emotional reactions?

  • Recognise their reaction might be in response to a range of circumstances, some of which you might not know about 

  • Allow the person to fully express their emotions (i.e. let off steam) and show them you’re interested by actively listening to all they say 

  • Deal with the emotions first, you can discuss the issues more rationally once emotions have been addressed 

  • Being an active listener is one of the best things you can do for someone when they are distressed 

  • Manage your own emotions by staying calm and not taking things personally.

How do I deal with sadness? 

  • Sad or tragic incidents are often difficult to deal with because we empathise with the person and feel helpless as we cannot take away their sadness or pain 

  • Use lots of empathetic phrases, such as “It sounds like you’re juggling a few things at the moment” or “I understand this must be challenging for you right now” 

  • Make sure you’re comfortable with any silence in the conversation 

  • Know that silence gives them permission to keep talking and tell you more 

  • Encourage them to access support 

  • If someone begins to cry, sit quietly and allow them to cry. Lowering your eyes can minimise their discomfort. You could add, “I’m going to sit here with you and when you’re ready we can keep talking” 

  • If you anticipate this response, it can help to have tissues handy.

How do I deal with anger? 

  • If someone is visibly hostile you can respond with: “I can see that this has upset you. Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me what I need to know...” 

  • Allow them to identify all the factors they feel are contributing to their anger 

  • You might encourage them by adding “Right, I understand that (....) is a problem. What else is causing you concern?” 

  • Be patient and prepared to listen to them talk about everything that’s adding to their frustration 

  • To keep the conversation on track and to reassure them you’re interested in all they have to say, try reflecting back what they have said. You could say, “So the thing that’s really upsetting you is (....) Is that right?” 

  • If they feel they have been wronged or treated unfairly you are unlikely to persuade them otherwise in this conversation. It’s more constructive to listen to all they have to say and provide resources or connect them with formal channels where their specific complaints can be heard.

How do I deal with anxiety? 

  • Speak in short, clear sentences while still showing concern and care 

  • If you anticipate an anxious response, use your preparation time to think about how you will say what you need to in a clear way 

  • Stay calm. This is best displayed through deep, slow breathing, a lower tone of voice and evenly paced speech.

By using these tips, you can help someone feel supported when confronted with challenges in life whether at home, work, school or in sport.

Find more conversation tips at www.ruok.org.au/how-to-ask

If you need support or know someone who does, visit www.ruok.org.au/findhelp for professional support services and self-care tools.

Caring for yourself and others following traumatic events

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The recent incident in Sydney has left many feeling distressed and overwhelmed, and you may notice the children in your life are struggling too. Below, you’ll find advice from mental health experts on caring for your own wellbeing, and providing meaningful support to others in the days and weeks ahead. Talking to children about traumatic events Children are likely to have seen and heard distressing information about this incident. Ongoing news coverage, images and discussion can intensify feelings of anxiety, sadness and anger. The Child Mind Institute has published a practical guide to help parents and carers talk with children about traumatic events. The guide offers practical age-specific advice and has been developed by experts in child psychology, you can access this guide here . Events involving violence or serious harm can be especially difficult for children to understand or discuss. The guide focuses on helping children feel safe, supported and reassured, and encourages parents, carers or guardians to: Provide comfort and reassurance, including physical affection Remain calm and measured when discussing the event Maintain regular routines to restore a sense of normality Encourage play, connection and time with others Share honest, age-appropriate information from trusted sources Limit children’s exposure to news, especially younger children Listen patiently and validate children’s feelings Recognise that fear, anger, sadness or guilt are all normal reactions Looking after yourself, and supporting others Rachel Clements, R U OK? Advisor, and Director of Psychological Services at Centre for Corporate Health, said strong emotional reactions are normal and healthy for people of all ages following public acts of violence, even among those not directly impacted. “Some reactions that are incredibly normal are concern, shock, horror, disbelief. When that wears off sometimes, people experience stronger feelings, sometimes anger, despair, sadness, anxiety or fear-based behaviour."  Ms Clements advised that connecting with friends, sporting clubs, or workplace networks, and simply asking ‘are you OK?’, can play a key role in supporting people experiencing distress. "This event will disrupt the nervous system. One of the most important things we can do is stay connected, talk to each other and lean into supportive conversations,” Ms Clements said. She suggested starting a genuine conversation by asking questions such as: 'it's been tough watching this information coming to light, how are you feeling about it?’ “Then, all you’ve got to do is listen with empathy, without judgment or interruption, and just allow someone to talk about their experience and how they are feeling. When it is the right time in the conversation, you can then gently guide someone towards supportive actions, like doing some gentle exercise, staying connected with friends and family, or maintaining regular routines.” Ms Clements emphasised the importance of checking in again to ensure people have continued support. If you notice someone’s distress is ongoing for several weeks and begins to affect their work or social life, professional help should be encouraged. If you or the children in your care are experiencing ongoing distress, consider speaking with a doctor or another trusted healthcare provider. Free and professional 24/7counselling services are available, find contact details here . If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000. Ask R U OK? Any Day.

2025 with R U OK?

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