Don’t forget to check-in
on the ‘strong’ ones
The best and worst year of my life was in 2015.
Mel pregnant with Levi
It all started in November 2014 when my mum was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour. She was only fifty-six. A few weeks later, I found out I was nine weeks pregnant with my first child.
Mel and her mum
It didn’t feel real. Was this actually happening?
Levi newborn
I felt so much guilt because while mum continued to get worse, all I could think about was my son being ok. I was also angry at my mum for being sick. It made no sense to me at the time, but I felt so angry that she was leaving me when I needed her the most. My mum was my person and the one who was supposed to be there for me always.
Mum passed away in palliative care in August 2015. Only nine months after she was diagnosed and just three weeks after Levi was born. She never got to meet Levi and see him grow up in the way I imagined. It was heartbreaking.
I was numb for so long.
I pushed away all my friends and family because everything felt too hard.
During all of this, Levi’s dad was having more frequent epileptic seizures and Levi wasn’t sleeping well. It felt like everything was happening at once, and it was my job to keep it together and make sure everyone was ok.
People who saw me out and about, kept telling me how strong I was. But what they couldn’t see was that on the inside, I was falling part.
I guess I just didn’t want to ‘burden’ people and thought it was easier to do things on my own.
Levi holding a photo of his Grandma
My son kept me going – I call him my ‘meant to be baby’. He brought me so much joy during my toughest times. But gosh parenting is hard! As a new mum, I had no idea what I was doing (and still don’t most of the time!). I kept thinking if Mum was here to guide me it would be easier. I wouldn’t feel so alone.
Mel pregnant with Levi
Mel pregnant with Levi
Mel and her mum
Mel and her mum
Levi newborn
Levi newborn
Levi holding a photo of his Grandma
Levi holding a photo of his Grandma
I started to use social media more often, sharing photos of Levi as he grew and memories of Mum.
A friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while suddenly messaged me after one of my posts and asked, “are you OK?”.
I took the time to really think about it.
My go to was always ‘I’m fine’ but for the first time ever, I said I wasn’t OK. In that moment I realised that I was sick and tired of pretending that I was fine when I really wasn’t.
I started to tell her how I was feeling and then I couldn’t stop. Years of thoughts, feelings and emotions came flooding out. It was incredibly exhausting, but it lifted a weight that I didn’t realise I was carrying.
I felt lighter.
She told me it was ok to feel this way, that it was ok to not be ok. I doubt she realised at the time, but her saying those simple words gave me permission to lean on others for support.
For so long I was scared of being judged, but that one conversation gave me the strength to continue talking.
I went to see a doctor about how I was feeling and was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. After therapy and medication, I began to find myself again.
I started to feel like a person, not just a mum and carer, but like I may be important too.
That I mattered.
After feeling invisible for so long, it felt surreal to imagine that people loved and cared for me.
I opened myself up to friends again and no longer pushed everyone away. I even started asking my friends “are you OK?”, and to my surprise, some of them told me they weren’t ok. From the outside they looked happy and carefree, but they were holding it in like I was.
That’s the thing – someone struggling may look the same as someone not – you won’t know unless you ask.
I now make sure that I check in on my friends weekly. It’s not always a big chat but a message here or there, or even a meme to tell them I am thinking of them.
Don’t underestimate the impact you can have on someone.
A little conversation changed my whole life.
And the chances are, someone you know really needs you to ask them “are you ok?”.
Written by Mel Pilcher
Mel lives in Queensland with her 6-year-old son Levi. Mel’s favourite saying is ‘In a world where you can be anything, be kind’. Her mental health experience has led her to be a strong advocate for starting and continuing R U OK? conversations.
Built with Shorthand
