4 ways to ask R U OK?

hello • 27 April 2021

Starting a conversation with someone you’re worried about can be nerve wracking. Not because you don’t want to check in, but because you don’t want to ‘get it wrong.’


You might be asking yourself things like: When is the right time to do it? Where should I do it? What do I say? Will I offend them? How do I keep the conversation going?

We reached out to our community to find out how they like to start R U OK? conversations and why this works for them and the person they’re supporting.

Here’s what they had to say.


“Coffee needs to be in my hand when I initiate a conversation, and whatever drink the other person wants”

Not everyone feels comfortable making eye contact or sitting face to face when talking about life’s ups and downs. Having something to hold or focus on during a tough chat can help them relax and open up. Some other ideas could be going for a walk, gardening together or kicking a ball around. 


“Are you ok because I have noticed that… (insert what has you worried such as you’ve been quieter than usual, you haven’t been turning up to the gym etc)”

Giving context to why you are asking the question shows that you care about them and have been noticing changes in their behaviour. It also provides an opportunity for a more open conversation, rather than restricting the response to yes or no. 


“I like to ease into the conversation by focusing on things they’re comfortable talking about, like their kids, work or what they have been up to on the weekend.”

Chatting about everyday life can help you pick up on signs and ease into having an R U OK? conversation. For example, if someone mentions they have been really busy with work, you can ask if they’re doing OK and if it is impacting on other parts of their life. Likewise, someone might say they haven’t had the motivation to socialise on weekends and are feeling quite flat. You can then ask ‘how long has this been happening?’ and suggest support for them.



“I’ve been a little concerned for you lately, you don’t have to say everything, or even anything. When or if you’re ready, I’ll be right here.”

At the time you check in with someone, they might not be ready to talk. And that is OK. Letting someone know you are there when they are ready means that if they are having a difficult day or going through a tough time, they know they have people around them they can talk to.


There is no right or wrong way to ask someone ‘Are you ok?’. The best thing to do is ask in your own way and continue to check in.


Now that you have some ideas in mind on how you can approach someone you’re worried about, why not give it a try? You can role play having a conversation or test your conversation knowledge in our online quiz. Give it a go.


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From growing up on farms to a shared interest in history, Australians, young and old, are discovering just how much they have in common, and how storytelling can connect generations in unexpected ways. What’s bringing them together is 'Heart and Soul Story', a social enterprise that fosters intergenerational connections. Through its programs, young people and older generations come together in aged care homes and schools to share stories, build life skills, and prevent loneliness. At a recent session which encouraged everyone to Ask R U OK? Any Day, students visited an aged-care community with R U OK? Conversation Bingo cards, which feature prompts to spark humour, curiosity, and connection.
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The recent incident in Sydney has left many feeling distressed and overwhelmed, and you may notice the children in your life are struggling too. Below, you’ll find advice from mental health experts on caring for your own wellbeing, and providing meaningful support to others in the days and weeks ahead. Talking to children about traumatic events Children are likely to have seen and heard distressing information about this incident. Ongoing news coverage, images and discussion can intensify feelings of anxiety, sadness and anger. The Child Mind Institute has published a practical guide to help parents and carers talk with children about traumatic events. The guide offers practical age-specific advice and has been developed by experts in child psychology, you can access this guide here . Events involving violence or serious harm can be especially difficult for children to understand or discuss. The guide focuses on helping children feel safe, supported and reassured, and encourages parents, carers or guardians to: Provide comfort and reassurance, including physical affection Remain calm and measured when discussing the event Maintain regular routines to restore a sense of normality Encourage play, connection and time with others Share honest, age-appropriate information from trusted sources Limit children’s exposure to news, especially younger children Listen patiently and validate children’s feelings Recognise that fear, anger, sadness or guilt are all normal reactions Looking after yourself, and supporting others Rachel Clements, R U OK? Advisor, and Director of Psychological Services at Centre for Corporate Health, said strong emotional reactions are normal and healthy for people of all ages following public acts of violence, even among those not directly impacted. “Some reactions that are incredibly normal are concern, shock, horror, disbelief. When that wears off sometimes, people experience stronger feelings, sometimes anger, despair, sadness, anxiety or fear-based behaviour."  Ms Clements advised that connecting with friends, sporting clubs, or workplace networks, and simply asking ‘are you OK?’, can play a key role in supporting people experiencing distress. "This event will disrupt the nervous system. One of the most important things we can do is stay connected, talk to each other and lean into supportive conversations,” Ms Clements said. She suggested starting a genuine conversation by asking questions such as: 'it's been tough watching this information coming to light, how are you feeling about it?’ “Then, all you’ve got to do is listen with empathy, without judgment or interruption, and just allow someone to talk about their experience and how they are feeling. When it is the right time in the conversation, you can then gently guide someone towards supportive actions, like doing some gentle exercise, staying connected with friends and family, or maintaining regular routines.” Ms Clements emphasised the importance of checking in again to ensure people have continued support. If you notice someone’s distress is ongoing for several weeks and begins to affect their work or social life, professional help should be encouraged. If you or the children in your care are experiencing ongoing distress, consider speaking with a doctor or another trusted healthcare provider. Free and professional 24/7counselling services are available, find contact details here . If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000. Ask R U OK? Any Day.
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