We must support our 2.65 million unpaid carers

Every week in Australia, unpaid carers spend 36 million hours caring for family and friends who have a disability, mental illness, chronic condition, terminal illness or who are frail.

To understand what it’s like to be a carer and what we can do to support the carers in our world we chatted with R U OK? Ambassador Tess Nobile.

Tess moved from Canberra to Melbourne earlier this year to care full time for her Mum. 

“My mum was rushed to hospital in March for severe pneumonia and other complications, so I've had to come down and be a full-time carer while continuing to work full time. It’s been a massive adjustment for both mum and I” Tess said, who’s also wearing a few other hats.

“I had to learn pretty fast and it was a bit of a balancing act as we tried to find our rhythm. It’s important for carers to find a rhythm that works for you as you come to terms with the changes that are happening for not only the human you’re caring for, but the human wearing the carer hat.”

Tess believes the support of her tribe has been key to helping her find that balance and rhythm.

“It’s been an interesting year navigating COVID-19 and learning how to be a carer for someone who is grieving their loss of mobility and facing a number of mental health and physical issues. There’s the physical care I provide, and then there’s the emotional care also. I witness daily the realisation that mum is no longer who she was, and to be able to comfort her through that painful awareness and just hold space for her is where the extra energy is required.” Some days I’m better at doing that than others.

“Having the support of friends, family and other carers is so important. We’ve been in lockdown since the beginning of the year, so I’ve had to get a bit creative in the ways I stay connected to my tribe. Knowing I can unload and get support when I need to recharge quickly has been important.”

R U OK? provides conversation tips and resources that can help talk to carers about the challenges they’re navigating. But alongside friends and family, the support of other carers who understand what you’re going through and can share the ups and downs can make a difference, as it has for Tess. 

“I’ve got a friend, Anna, whose father is in palliative care. We’ve been able to share the ups and downs and the roller-coaster of emotions that comes with looking after a parent who you love. She gets the challenges I can face in a day and reminds me that taking a break doesn’t mean I’m a bad daughter, and sometimes we just find a space to cry together.”

Tess wants every carer to know they are not alone. 

“I had underestimated how hard it is to be a carer. My message is to reach out to someone who is a carer, just to let them know you’re thinking of them. I know sometimes I don’t want people to think I’m not handing it well or that I’m complaining so it feels special when my friends reach out to me. The one percenters matter.” 

Her message to other carers is to make time for yourself. 

“There are good and bad days when you’re caring for someone. It’s important as a carer to take some time every day for yourself. I’ve had to put a strategy in place - my weekly self-care plan – and I try to do one thing every day that brings me joy and I do it without guilt. The guilt part is the hardest part, but I have come to learn that by taking care of myself I can take better care of my mother.”

If you or your loved one are feeling overwhelmed or need immediate support you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the services at www.ruok.org.au/findhelp