Life isn't always as it seems

"Are you OK brother?"
"No……
I’m not…"
This was a phone call from a mate in May 2018, at a time when I clearly was not OK.
But let's go back a couple of years.
In 2013, a combination of a very toxic work environment and a health diagnosis saw me retire at 55. Being forced to retire made me question my worth, who I was, and what my purpose was. I slowly fell into a spiral of depression and periods of suicidal ideation. This was new to me and scared me.
While this was happening and behind the closed doors of my own head, I ‘pushed on’ by working hard volunteering across the Bega Valley Community, desperately trying to not feel like a failure.
Like most, I had my coping mechanisms. Keeping busy so that I didn’t have to look at myself was one. Riding motorcycles was another. It helped me escape.
The feeling of being alone in your thoughts, while being out on the open road with good mates just enjoying the ride, is something that you can’t explain to people.

But you can’t hide forever.
In December of 2015, life threw me one hell of a curve ball and I was involved in a life-threatening motorcycle accident where complications from multiple injuries resulted in me suffering three cardiac arrests, leaving me dead for a total of 10 minutes.

Glenn in ICU after his accident
Glenn in ICU after his accident
I was helicoptered to Canberra and placed in an induced coma. My wife and family were told not to expect me to be alive when they arrived. Eight days later after surgery to repair a torn trachea, I was ‘woken up’ and despite all the cautions of a long and slow recovery, I was able to walk out of hospital three weeks later.
I guess that’s some comfort to being a stubborn mongrel.
I was feeling blessed for getting another chance.
I threw myself straight back into volunteering across the community, joining our local Suicide Prevention Action Network Bega SPAN and holding the role of Deputy Chair until 2018.
Over these years I continued to sink deeper into the ‘mind fog’ of depression, hating myself for being a public fraud. I could comfortably encourage people to look after their mental wellbeing, but I was not able back up my own talk. I was living a lie.
This crazy confusion of life was bought to a head when in 2018 I was awarded a medal for Community Services across the Bega Valley. How could I possibly accept this award when I all I could see was my own failures?

Glenn receiving the award
Glenn receiving the award
Through all of this, I had one mate who would regularly ring me to check if I was OK.

I would answer just like all good blue collar middle-aged Australian men do.
"Nothing’s wrong with me mate, I’m good"
On one particular day that simple question "are you OK brother?" hit me like never before.
I realised I had been sitting looking over a blank computer screen, out the back door, for over 3 hours.
I finally found the courage to admit to this bloke that I wasn’t OK, I was scared, confused and didn’t know what to do.
He replied, "All good brother, I’ll drop over for a cup of coffee".
Over that coffee we sat and talked.
Actually, I talked and he just listened as my brain exploded with all the confusion, shame and feelings of worthlessness that had been fuelling my ‘brain pain’.
The simple act of listening without trying to tell me what was wrong with me or what I needed to do was a life changer for me. Quite possibly a life saver.
To know that someone actually cared about me, not just the public me.

Slowly over the next few months my life changed.
I began to realise that a whole lot more people cared, but just didn’t know how to help.
Maybe I wasn’t the fraud I believed myself to be.
Maybe I had something to offer and could help those going through their own mental health struggles every day.
In August 2018 I had the incredible opportunity to become a R U OK? Community Ambassador. An opportunity that I am eternally grateful for, to be able to help spread the message that ‘a conversation can indeed change a life’.





Donna, Glenn and Jennie at community event
Donna, Glenn and Jennie at community event

Glenn speaking at anxiety forum
Glenn speaking at anxiety forum

Mardi Gras RUOK? 2020
Mardi Gras RUOK? 2020

Glenn with Bega Valley Mayor Russell Fitzpatrick
Glenn with Bega Valley Mayor Russell Fitzpatrick
Once we start talking openly about our experiences, ripple effects occur across communities.

I started getting calls from people in Bega Valley asking ‘I don’t know how to talk to my friend, can you give me some advice’.
Rural communities are so different to the city because you’re in touch with people all the time – whether it’s the person who serves you in the store who you know through the local cricket club or the local postmaster who you chat with daily. You’re always involved with your community, it’s 1 or 2 degrees of separation, not 5!
While it may seem a bit too close for some, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Being so close to my community means we are always looking out for one another, always checking in.
I now work as a Lived Experience Peer Worker helping people experiencing their own battles with suicidal ideation and am humbled on a daily basis at the strength and determination of these amazing humans to come out the other side.
Lives can be changed.
A conversation changed my life.
At first it might seem scary or uncomfortable, but don’t overthink it.
Just let someone know you care by asking
R U OK? Mate.

Written by Glenn Cotter
Glenn Cotter is passionate about making a difference to people’s lives, after a simple conversation with a friend a few years ago made him realise he was not ok. Starting out in the hospitality industry, Glenn has 25 years’ experience working in hotels and clubs throughout NSW and Canberra in catering and function management. He now lives outside Bega, down the beautiful south coast of NSW with his wife Donna and family, and his passion is now helping people improve their mental health. Glenn works as a Lived Experience Mental Health Peer Support Worker for Grand Pacific Health; he is a proud R U OK? Community Ambassador, Member of Lived Experience Speakers Bureau for Suicide Prevention Australia, and a Member of Voices of Insight for Roses in the Ocean. He has also contributed to media articles and books on living with mental distress and research on suicide.